Yogi Berra, meet Eugene Ormandy

In his autobiography, Perfect Pitch, Nicolas Slonimsky passes along this compendium of conductor Eugene Ormandy's mangled syntax and meaning collected from rehearsals of the Philadelphia Orchestra by an orchestra member. I mean no disrespect to the great conductor, it simply wouldn't be as funny if it were someone of lesser stature:

"[Ormandy] spoke English with considerable mobility, but for some reason lapsed at rehearsals into a lingua franca - sans syntax, sans grammar, sans sense. A disloyal member of the Philadelphia orchestra collected a priceless anthology of Ormandian sayings:

'It is not together, but the ensemble is perfect.'

'Suddenly I was in the right tempo, but it wasn't.'

'This is one bar you should take home.'

'There is a number missing, I can see it.'

'Please follow me because I have to follow him and he isn't here.'

'I need one more bass less.'

'I don't want to confuse you more than absolutely necessary.'

'We can't hear to balance it yet because the soloist is still on the aeroplane.'

'Something went wrong. It was correct when I studied it.'

'Who is sitting in that empty chair?'

'He is a wonderful man, and so is his wife.'

'I told him he would have a heart attack a year ago but unfortunately he lived a year longer.'

'It's difficult to remember if the notes are right, but if I listened they would be wrong.'

'The moment you slow down you are behind.'

'The tempo remains pianissimo.'

'The soloist was so sick he almost died for three days.'

'I don't mean to make you nervous, but unfortunately I have to.'

'Even when you are not playing you are holding me back.'

'If you don't have it in your part leave it out because there is enough missing already.'

'Thank you for your cooperation, and vice versa.'

On another Slonimsky note, check out the images of signatures from his guestbook here.